What is micro-cheating? Relationship experts share what to know and how to prevent it.
Cheating in a relationshipphysically or emotionally, is usually too clear – but what about your partner seemingly bringing charm to a friend or colleague? Are they flirting or are they just friendly?
According to relationship experts, these subtle behaviors can be “microscopic”.
“Micro-acting is a small behavior, and it is sometimes difficult to determine or prove that behaviors that indicate boundary violations in the relationship,” Molly BurretsA clinical psychologist specializing in couple therapy told CBS News.
Micro combat may involve photos of attractive people on social media or photos of “like” daily interactions with people in real life.
“For example, revealing too much personal information to someone, you often see or flirt with people at work, but never flirting with that,” Burres said.
Why do people need microscopicity?
Some things can stimulate micro combat and may be intentional or unintentional.
“If a person has a pattern that pushes boundaries in a relationship and gets out of that boundary, they may perform these behaviors regularly and intentionally,” Burres said. As “a person who may feel dissatisfied or dissatisfied with the relationship may try to meet these needs or meet elsewhere without fully realizing it.”
She added: “While your relationship may be about your relationship, it may also be about yourself, your own life, your own self-esteem and your own satisfaction, which forces you to get people’s attention elsewhere.”
There may also be an evolutionary reason, explained Wendy Walsh, a relationship expert on the site. Dating and a PhD professor of psychology in clinical psychology.
“According to evolutionary psychologists, they have studied human mating across cultures around the world, and all people, regardless of their relationship, always stay in their minds as backup partners, and the idea is, if something happens in their relationship, who can they call them,” she said.
How microscopic effects affect relationships
Microscopic effects can negatively affect a couple in many ways.
First, the need to be satisfied outside the primary relationship may lead to the neglect of such relationships, Burres said.
“When we get attention and feelings from others, we get hits with dopamine, and when novelty is involved, dopamine hits stronger. So when it’s a newcomer, it feels more compelling at first,” she said. “If we continue to put our energy into sources outside of our relationship, we only have too much bandwidth. The danger is that we will ignore the nurturing and care for our own primary relationship.”
The impact on a partner may vary.
“There is a broad range of reactions to partners to this behavior,” Burres said. “For some, flirting is a completely harmless act.”
For others, Walsh said it could be a threat.
“It can be very dangerous because when you have a partner who feels threatened and doesn’t feel like they have a safe relationship or a secure attachment, they will react in various ways,” she said. “If it lasts for a long time, it can erode trust and it can erode the sense of security in your main relationship.”
How to prevent micro-effects
To make sure you and your partner know what and what is not appropriate on the same page, experts recommend having a conversation about boundaries and expectations as early as possible.
Burrets recommends that you talk about exclusivity at the same time.
“If exclusivity is part of your relationship, then a lot of times we expect both of us to have the same concept of what exclusivity means, and we often don’t.” Questions can include: “How do we define exclusivity? What does it mean to us in this relationship?”
What if I suspect my partner is a micro-writer?
If you haven’t had a conversation about the boundaries yet, it’s time to set expectations, Burres said.
“Ideally, you want to make this point in an active tone, rather than a critical tone,” she said.
Burres added that if your partner violates pre-established boundaries, this is a time to increase intention and intensity.
“You don’t want to discuss from a place where you’re emotionally dysfunction because it’s likely to escalate and absolutely nowhere to go,” she said. “Even if you can manage the feeling of betrayal and hurt, make it happen from a curious place as much as possible.”
Walsh agrees, adding that if you are accusation, the other person will be defensive. Experts suggest, instead, focus on your own feelings through the “I” statement.
For example: “I noticed that when you like those female photos on Instagram, I felt inside that I had the potential to leave me or that I wasn’t that attractive, and that feeling showed me how much I value you and our relationship,” Walsh said.
If people want to change their behavior, she urges people to express their feelings.
“Remember, silence is always regarded as permission,” Walsh said.
Can microscopic effects lead to other forms of cheating?
While the miniature connection doesn’t have to cause formal cheating, Burres and Walsh said it could be a slippery slope.
“Especially for those who are not satisfied with their relationship, and then through micro cheating seems to get real demand. This kind of reinforces the behavior and maybe makes the person more likely to continue pushing the boundaries,” Burrets said.
